And then I turned 30: Thoughts on Trust

30

I didn't freak out about turning 30, it's just that my mind can't wrap itself around that number.

I feel 25, 30 sounds old. Sorry, but it does. 

I don't feel old....most days. And then there are the days I look in the mirror and I see what life looks like on my face.

The being in full time ministry for 10 years

The three kids under three we had

The miscarriage

The NICU

The family crises

The unknown

My face may look older, and more worn....but my heart, that feels like it's been made brand new through all of the sharpening, the pruning, the weeding. 

I feel as if life is really just getting started.
God is doing a new thing in my life, in our lives and there is stirring, a calling to do greater things for His name.

The things that mattered before, just don't.

The things that were on the sidelines become forefront. 

I've mentioned before we've been in this time of transition, of wait. 

We are heading into a time of change and growth with a new pastor coming and things on the horizon we've only dreamed of.

If I'm not careful, I become like the Israelite's who shortly after receiving word from God and answers to their cries, went right back out and complained again.

It's so easy to be short sighted and to forget the 

one thing that doesn't ever change.

His faithfulness. He knows it all and has it in His hands, why do we fret?

One moment we have some answers and we praise Him and say thank you.

The next moment we feel uneasy again because there is an unknown...and we start to doubt.

Things shape up differently than we expected and we start grappling again.

Did we not hear correctly? Did we miss something along the way?

We doubt that He really does know what He is doing.

We may not say that, but we do with our worry, or desire to get our hands on things that are not for us to control.

There is freedom in letting go. 

Freedom in acknowledging that we don't need to know.

It sounds so opposite- because when we worry it's almost like we feel we can control things.

We plan and we schedule and we manipulate and process and analyze.

For what? 

Trusting in Christ to do what He has already said He would do, which is be faithful, 

that isn't a one and done thing. 

It's a daily sacrifice. 

I have to daily lay down my desires to know what is ahead, to know the plan, to trust in His perfect course for our lives.

I am beyond excited for what lies ahead.

Beyond freaked out as well.

I feel that's an okay combo to have.