My 28 year old body.....

This has been sitting in my "drafts" for months.
I've been too afraid to hit publish.

Too worried about what you would think. 

But, I'm doing a lot more stuff these days that I am afraid of. 

So here goes nothing......

I fully intended being "that mom" who was back in her pre-preggo jeans within 3 months or so. I was positive, that after my 6 week check-up, I'd be cleared to workout again and I'd just jump right back into the gym thing.

(*disclaimer...some of you are "that mom" and that's okay...I'm only slightly jealous)

"I'll just breastfeed him, head to the gym while Trev is home with him and then come home and shower"

Duh. So simple.

I fully intended on being "that mom" that always took a shower and got dressed and did her hair and make-up every morning, and did not spend the day in sweats with her hair in a ponytail.

I was getting back into my heels, thank you very much.

And plus, I was going to do the "easiest thing ever" and breastfeed, and everyone and their mother told me "your weight will just fall off".

So, yeah, no big deal.

You see...for awhile I had a real battle going. I wasn't anorexic, or bulimic....but I definitely had an unhealthy perspective about my image. I was obsessed. I was obsessed with working out, and what I ate and what the scale said. And I thought I was huge.  I just wanted to see that number drop below a certain number....even if it wasn't healthy for my height and build. Even if my athletic curvy body shouldn't be that size....I wanted to see if it could. How much could I push it?  Nobody really knew. Just my sweet husband. But it was a pretty intense battle for me, in my heart and in my head. You don't have to not eat, or puke it up to have an issue. And that's where I fell.

Thankfully, just before I got pregnant, God got in my face about it. He really convicted me. I was consumed with it. It was driving my every thought and my every move. I was obsessed. I was a mess. It was inside, yes...not really for anyone else to see.  And I needed help. And with the Lord's help, I worked it out. And I overcame the battle in my mind through a lot of prayer and searching. And a lot of Beth Moore reading as well.

So, now I'm pregnant and I'm free...and I'm eating and knowing I'm caring for this precious boy inside of me. I didn't eat bad...I just ate. And I loved it. And it felt so good to not feel bad about it.

And then he was born, slightly early. Through us for a loop.....and breastfeeding wasn't easy, and he had horrible acid reflux and was colicky. And here I was....3 months after having him, in puke covered sweats with no makeup and no shower and my weight started going UP. Yeah, the wrong way.

And here I am, looking back at photos of myself, pre-pregnancy thinking "What on earth was wrong with you?! You looked amazing!"

And I slowly worked my way back down, with a "system" that caused it to fall off rather fast..... Before having kids, I lost weight pretty easy once I started trying....but that was no longer the case.

I got pregnant again, and then miscarried...and the weight crept back up.

And then...pregnant with twins! And boy was I sick as a dog and dropped a little weight, the awful way.

And here I am, again....trying to work my way back down the scale, knowing I'm not comfortable in this strange body I have right now.

Knowing that yes, my body has been through a ton the last 4 years....and my skin was stretched beyond belief and it probably will take a tummy tuck to make that all go away, and goodness if the person I was before Jack saw the person I am now

she'd be horrified. 

No, I'm not pleased with the fact that my clothes don't fit right. That my pants are either too big or too small and I feel like a foreigner in this strange shell.

But I look at these boys. And I look back at the stress and weight of the past 4 plus years and I see those "love marks" across my stomach- and I am probably never going to look like my 24 year old self again.

But my 24 year old self was selfish, and proud and impatient, consumed with herself. 

And my 28 year old self is patient, and selfless and proud of my kids and what this body has done and been through.

I am me. I am confident in who I am as a Mom, and a wife and a friend. I have grown in my relationship with the Lord so much in these years, that when all is said and done...my 24 year old body would turn away at this one- but my 24 year old heart would long for who I am today.

So, I run. And I lift weights and I have a goal, because I want to be healthy. But it doesn't rule my life or demand all of my energy. That goes elsewhere- because there are more important things in life.

 And right now...they are all asleep :)