My Journey of Prayer

There’s a scene from the beloved Chronicles of Narnia, in the book The Horse and His Boy. In this scene, the boy has been left behind, and as he travels alone he starts to feel sorry for himself because of all the terrible things that have happened to him. But in the middle of this moment, when he is feeling empty, Aslan shows up. As the boy pours out his sorrows to Aslan, telling him how alone he’s always been, Aslan tells the boy that he was with him that whole time. The boy begins to question why Aslan did what he did and Aslan replied 

"Child," said the Lion, "I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.”

Image from Warhorn Media

I say that to share this is my story.  I can’t know your story, and our stories aren’t the same. But, I can cheer you on.

Something happened to me when I was diagnosed with cancer.

I stopped believing prayer worked. 

So I stopped praying. 

Over time I began praying again because I believed I needed to, because I wanted to believe that I could discover the truth about prayer, why we pray, and what prayer even is. I can’t shake God even if I tried (and I’ve tried) and so I decided I needed to know more than just “we do it because we should.”

I struggled with statements about prayer changing things because if my “thing” didn’t change, what did that mean for me? 

So, I shifted my prayers from things like “God please don’t let that person have cancer” to “God be near”. 

I prayed “God be near” for all things because I believed that part to be true- that God would be near. 

So I have faithfully prayed that prayer for the last 2 years.

Meanwhile, I had been reading books on prayer from various theologians, desert mothers and fathers, current pastors and priests, the Psalms, and any passage in scripture that had to do with prayer. I’ve asked friends and loved ones for their thoughts. I’ve wrestled internally and out loud. I’ve even preached about my prayer and my doubt, believing and trusting God to be near despite the tension I felt. 

William Hart McNichols

I asked, “Why when I prayed, I had cancer- but when we prayed for this other person to not have cancer, they didn’t?”

“Why do we say praise God when someone gets what they want but we don’t say praise God when they don’t get what they want?” “Is God only good when I get my answered prayer?” “Does God care about me?” “When we say prayer changes things what do we mean?” “If prayer is about transformation why not just do another practice that also brings transformation?” “If prayer is just full of disappointment for some, why do you say to keep praying?” “Is prayer about tangible results?”  

I have felt exhausted by it to be quite honest. I’ve felt like Jacob wrestling God. I demanded an answer from God and I wouldn’t let go until God gave it to me!

WrestlingWithAngels-Icons.com

I’ve been prideful, sure of my own convictions. I’ve given up, unsure of anything. I’ve demanded God show me the truth, weary of coming up dry. I’ve been encouraged by saints who wrote about these same struggles, comforted by their questions.

And here I am now, over 2 years into this journey and I know. Or rather I don’t know and that’s how I know. I have unlearned so much over the past few years about who God is and what prayer is. The more I have unlearned the less I know and the more at peace I am. 

Prayer changes me. It often doesn’t change my circumstance but it changes me. Can I be okay with that? Can I be okay knowing that if all else fell away, Christ would be sufficient for me? Can I live in a way that doesn’t just think temporally but eternally? Can I see my story in God’s story and just let go and trust?  

I know that something happens when I pray. 

It might not be an answer to my prayer, it might be something that happens to me when I’m praying.

But something happens. To me. In me. 

I don’t have to know how prayer works, but there is something about prayer that softens my heart, even if it’s an angry prayer. Prayer takes my eyes off of me and puts them on God. Prayer reminds me I’m just part of a larger story. 

Anthony Gurrola 

If I want to be like Jesus, and I very much do, I should do the things Jesus did. Practice Sabbath, Silence, Solitude, and Prayer (among other practices). Prayer isn’t optional just because I don’t understand it all. In my becoming, I choose to take the focus off of me and put it on God. It’s with that posture I enter into the practices that transform my heart to be like the heart of Jesus. 

This isn’t some giant revelation meant for everyone, it’s a quiet one for me. It’s not a secret where I’ve discovered that 1+2=3, but God has given me peace about prayer, which I’ve long desired to have.  The only reason I’m sharing it here is that I think it’s encouraging for others when we are real about our struggles in faith. I am no Mother Theresa but if she remained faithful to God despite her own “dark night of the soul” I think there’s hope for the rest of us as well.  

So this might not answer your questions about God or prayer. 

But I hope this peace that God has given me in the "not knowing" is an encouragement that if you seek God with all your heart, you will find God. (Jer 29:13) 

Penelope Constantinou