Changes

Changes.

It's that time of year when the changing of the season is quite drastic.

Some seasons come and go quickly, before you even realize it.

Autumn is slow here.

 First you see a few leaves changing on the tops of trees...

The next week the entire tree has turned color. From a rich Oregon green to a deep red, burnt orange, Peeps yellow.

2009

And they fall, crunch beneath your feet.

Trees are bare. Cold. Seemingly lifeless.

The amazing thing is, we all know that in a few short months these same trees will perk up with little buds of greens and pinks and yellows and new life will branch out, once again staking it's claim until the next Autumn rolls around...

I see changes in more than just the trees these days.

I see changes in my Jack. He is learning so much at school, and at home. The words he says, the things that run through his little brain. They all show me he is growing, changing. I can't hold him tight enough. Pray for him hard enough.

2010

The babies. Every day there are doing something new. Every day their baby like features and mannerisms change and I'm grasping on to these moments because they are fleeting fast....

Come May I will have been married to the love of my life for 9 years. Our marriage is changing. It's deeper, it's fuller, it's.....it's hard to explain.

It's what my Mom said would happen.

It just gets better every day. I love him more every day.

This "season" of our life has been the most difficult of my life.

Starting really, back with the miscarriage. That moment was a marker in the ground.

From there, the pregnancy and birth of the twins.

The difficult first weeks and months really.

My Mom's cancer diagnosis.

His Mom's fall and subsequent health issues.

It's been rough.

But when I take note of these things which we have walked through and continue to walk through there is something quite obvious to me.

My outlook. My heart. My focus.

It's on Him.

I have peace.

I have this joy that is unexplainable.

In reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I see things differently.

It's challenged my core, to the deepest.

What He did on the cross was enough.

I don't deserve anything else.

That should be enough for me.

This shift in thinking, it pokes and prods and digs deep. It's cleanses.

It removes the dead, scrapes it away and in time...new life emerges.

New focus, new thinking....it's been drastic in my heart. It brings me to my knees.

I'm forever learning. Forever growing, forever changing...just like the constant changing of season.

This next part is hard for me. But I really want to be open and vulnerable. I've had so many e-mails thanking me for being so, so I want to continue.

Maybe you need to read it too.

There is something I have held on to. I have not been ready to change. I have not been ready to let go. And it's going to eat me alive if I don't deal with it.

I have to forgive.

I am one who loves justice. I want to see justice. I want people to know how bad they've hurt. Their actions and choices, how they have affected so many.

Caused so much pain.

I want to know that they know that.

 That's not my place. I know.

Honestly, it is so hard for me. Letting go when I feel so wronged and hurt over and over after countless attempts on my part to show grace and compassion and go out of my way to love. Was I loving for real? What were my motives? Because I had to show love?

 I was told to show love? yes.

If I strip it all away. yes.

Steps. I'm taking them. I want to learn how to forgive so that I can live fully. Nothing hiding in the corner. And I want to do it right, do it real. For good. I am ready for the next season, I am ready to move past this one.

To shake off the dead and see what springs forth.