Do you know that feeling when you stub your toe? Or when you step off the curb awkwardly and your whole body jolts? Sometimes it’s like that. Sometimes I’m okay and I’m cooking and cleaning and working and doing school and Mommin’ and Wifin’ and it hits out of nowhere. A jolt. A reality check. It might be that I trip because of my numb feet or I can’t flip the pages because of my fingers or maybe it’s just an overwhelming sense of grief that hits like a dark cloud. And then I go through all of my videos and stories and pictures and I re-live it all. Somehow doing this makes me feel alive. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not. I just want to remember. Remember why I’m struggling with sleep. Why I have no energy. Why after preaching one service I need a few days of recovery. I need to remember why my skin is jacked up and my body is weird. I have to remember why I’m on blood thinners and anti-depressants and occasional anxiety meds and a high dose of Vitamin D and meds for a suspected chemo induced early menopause (sorry dudes- it is what it is) If I forget it all- then it feels like it didn’t happen but it did and I need to know that so I can give myself grace.
I will share my story publicly and walk you through where I’ve been - hoping it may help you. I will smile and muster up energy to be what I need to be. But I am still very raw and it is very draining.
So I step back. I don’t check my cancer IG. I don’t engage in convos where I’m needed regarding cancer. I rest more and read more and snuggle with my pets more.
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| My pretty cat who sometimes snuggles me |
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| Respite at the ocean |
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