Today Stunk

Just going to be honest here...today was not good. It actually started out great. When I got to the NICU I found that Jack's nurse...the one who watched over him for that week and taught me how to breastfeed and take care of my little man, was back after 3 months off from a broken foot and she was OUR nurse!!
I almost cried.

This nurse just got back from an international convention of neonatologists, doctors, nurses etc in South Africa. She was there to present her work and research on a feeding plan she developed that our NICU uses and her research on late pre-term babies AKA babies born between 36-37 weeks AKA our babies. Seriously...how perfect is that?!

So I was super excited and she was very aggressive in wanting them to breastfeed more and tandem. I was stoked! She wanted me in for every feeding and tandem each time. She also started weaning Christian off his airflow. So, we did it and she helped me and the boys actually did quite well. We've found that Camden sucks in his bottom lip and so his tongue slips up and he ends up not latching well, which has contributed to his not eating as much even though it looks that way...thus weight loss.
We also are using a shield now with Christian just to help him not work too hard.

So I went back for the night feeding only to find out that the pediatrician and lactation consultant disagreed with our nurses plan. The lactation consultant (who had observed a feed while my Mom was also there) said I looked overwhelmed, uncomfortable and didn't see how I'd be able to do it. She thought Camden ate poorly and Christian was sleepy and that his oxygen dropped all the time. NONE of this was true. In fact Christian barely dropped and it was only for a second, he sucked the ENTIRE time and Camden did sooo much better! I was so angry that this lady had passed on false information.
The pediatrician is wanting to follow a strict schedule instead of allowing the boys to dictate when they should feed.
So instead of nursing them, the fed them through their NG tube and I went home. Now I am only doing every other feeding in the daytime, which is a maximum of 3. The others will be NG and through the night I have asked that they get a bottle with my milk when they show signs of being hungry. I know my boys. They like to suck...they need that. Feeding them only through an NG is NOT going to help them learn how to suck and eat.
Our nurse is off the next two days so we decided to take this break and basically appease the doctor and lactation consultant...then hopefully when she is back on Saturday (yes she did request us) then we can get back to business.

Camden lost weight again and I am praying so hard that at tonight's weigh-in, he is better.

I feel discouraged. I feel defeated. I feel like this is endless and that Camden will be in much longer than anticipated and Christian will be in longer than 10 days. I feel scared that when they do come home they won't have been ready and because I don't have monitors beeping everywhere I will worry constantly.

I feel exhausted. Going down for every feed left me with an hour and a half at home in between feeds. I had to rest during that time and eat in the car. This left me with no time for Trev or Jack who isn't too happy with Mommy right now and it breaks my heart.
So...this 2 day break I think will be good in that regard.

I'm tired of crying. I know things could be so much worse...but this is my situation, this is where I'm at and it just hurts.

They are so beautiful and I want to just eat them up. Gonna leave you (after this venting post) with some pictures from today. Jack was allowed to "hold them" he didn't do so well....but it will get better I'm sure.
Thanks for letting me whine.

My dad with his newest grandsons

He's pretty happy :)



Jack asked to hold "the blue one"




And then said, "all done blue one, hold white one!" Camden was in a white blanket :)